Since I can remember, I’ve been told that I’m intimidating. From close friends reliving our first encounter to men I’ve dated to colleague’s anonymous performance evaluations, the phrase, “you’re intimidating” almost always comes up.
If you’re like me: a goal-oriented overachieving, strong opinionated, well manicured and spoken…introvert…then, hey! I know I’m not alone, and this one is dedicated you.
Intimidation: The Assumption
I toyed with adding this subject to my blog for a bit of time. My initial thought was wondering how it related to my plant-based or yoga journey. Oh, but it does in its shortest description: a holistic health and wellness journey. Holistic meaning comprehending the parts only in reference to their interconnection to the whole. As something I’ve experienced and asked myself time and time again how to fix…I’ve realized it is interconnected to my overall wellness.
To start, I have some questions…The three things I hear most often in defense of the above statement is, “you’ve got your ish together”, “you’re reserved”, and “you’re bold.”
So rather than ask myself what I can fix, I’d rather ask you:
Do you know why I compose myself to way that I do?
Do you know why I am quiet?
Do you know why I do not lead with fear?
The answer is likely no but you’ve made some assumptions. Perhaps what I think of you based on my status, how I carry myself, lack of initiating contact, and how I hold my ground?
The truth: This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.
Exercising Empathy
Personally, I believe empathy is the single most important skill to develop as a human being. Empathy is
the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner
MERRIAM Webster
At this time I would like to formally announce that I do NOT feel understood. And I assume for those of you still reading, neither do you. Or even better, you do think I’m intimidating. Which, at this time, I’d like to thank you for reading. Here’s to enlightenment.
A process of shedding layers
Like everyone else around me, I have many layers. The one you first meet that is only shed once I feel safe. The one you grow to like that is only shed once you prove your trustworthiness. And finally, the one that you end up loving and hold on to tightly only once time comes to a stand still. Once I am fully comfortable, I’m all give and very little take because all I need to space to feel authentically me.
Shedding layers is the process of shedding unfulfilling relationships. Mutually of course. My senses are constantly heightened. Even when those are not aware, I’ve sensed the trajectory for weeks. We need this in our life and is apart of our evolution as humans. Not every person we cross paths with is safe, or what has evolved into, “serves us.”
Some may jump all in and figure it out as they go, but I don’t.
I process through observation. When unaware of my surroundings, I observe to analyze and understand so I can find what serves me, and then put my best foot forward. My inner dialogue is composed of questions: what is needed of me in this moment? How do these surroundings make me feel? Why are others acting that way? And where do I fit in? Again, inner dialogue, so I’m rather quiet unless directly asked to speak.
Once I feel safe, I can trust those around me. Once the layers are shed, you meet me.
Intimidation: The Reality
Some may argue that trying my best is not being vulnerable or truly open to life’s experiences.
I believe there is a very large difference between giving something you’re best try vs. expecting perfection. Especially the first time you do it. Everything that is unfamiliar can be treated as the first time: first time taking a fitness class at a new gym or studio, first time meeting someone, first time shopping in a specific retail store.
I’m not expecting perfection out of a first time experience. Also, let’s go a bit deeper and ask what is perfection? How do you perfectly arrive and act in an unfamiliar situation? YOU DON’T!
There are plenty of times I get so nervous that I could use very little to convince myself to avoid the first time experience. But I embrace the fear by knowing I’m bigger than that. I am stronger than that. So I do it anyway, unaware of the outcome, but proceed with caution. This is my vulnerability. Choosing to move forward even though I’m terrified.
And with that the secret’s out. Beyond the exterior is simply: fear.
I’M INTIMIDATED! But I won’t let that alone stop me. So I put my best foot forward.
Intimidating (adjective) vs. Intimidated (verb)
As a boss, a leader, a yoga teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend….I do my very best to empower you to be the most truest version of yourself whether I fully understand or not. I understand that you are you and that is enough.
I also do the same for me. This is me. If you are intimidated by me as a whole, then
I’m not intimidating (adjective), you are intimidated (verb).
See the difference?
Intimidation is fear, and is also vulnerability. You are in an unfamiliar situation and a caution flag was raised. This is beyond fair and I recognize it. But I refuse to dim my light because of how you might feel. I would never ask anyone to dim their own because of my potential fear. You are not sensing fear because that’s my motto, you sense it because it is what I feel.
I’m a go-getter because I know I can. Not because I want to be better than you.
I may strongly oppose your option. But that doesn’t mean I don’t value yours, it is simply opposition.
I am composed and articulate because I value professionalism. But I’m equally a goofball when the time is right.
The list could go on forever.
Rewrite the script
Rather than tell someone they’re intimidating…matter of factly…
#Lettucebowandsay “I am intimidated”
I said it. Now you can too.
And then exercise empathy. Try to gain an understanding of why YOU are sensing fear from that person rather than simply assume they are fear inducing. Embrace vulnerability. Telling someone they are intimidating, in most instances, is projection. I know I speak for many when I say this only adds to our fear and dims our light.
Everyone deserves to shine bright. Let’s help each other see it by first looking inwards. We are the parts that create this greater, interconnected whole.